Lady Gaga stole my Penguin, says Zookeeper

She famously attended the MTV Video Music Awards wearing raw meat, hatched from an egg at the Grammys, set her boobs on fire, wore a live cockroach hat, taught her pet to paint, fell out with Christina Aguilera, Madonna, Perez Hilton and Demi Lovato and fell foul of Christians, Russians and Indonesia, but has Lady Gaga finally overstepped the mark? Yes, definitely and without a shadow of a doubt, if the shocking claims of Eric Watkins, a zookeeper from King’s Cross are to be believed!

Eric’s accusations against the controversial singer, famous for hit tunes such as Paparazzi and Bad Romance, stem from a chance encounter between the pair in the summer of 2019.

In his interview with the Camden Gazette, 56-year-old Eric described his falling out with the star of A Star is Born as follows:

“I work at London Zoo, and if the weather’s nice I often take the opportunity to pop over to Regent’s Park during my lunch break. Who wouldn’t? I’d just started on my packed lunch when I heard the sound of laughter nearby. I looked up and lo and behold, there was Lady Gaga, giggling as she twirled a frisbee on the end of her finger. She was with that Taylor Swift and Adele. They dropped their bags and coats on the ground about 20 feet away from me, spread out a bit and started throwing the frisbee to one another. They were really going for it: ground bouncing it, throwing it backhand, ninjaing, seabiscuiting; you name it. Adele even caught it in her mouth once. I gave them all a wave, but they ignored me, which I didn’t think was very nice at all. I was just trying to be friendly; I didn’t ask them for a selfie or an autograph or ask Adele what Daniel Craig’s like or Taylor Swift why she can’t find a man. They should remember that it’s people like me who have made them rich before being rude.”

“I tried to get on with my lunch – an hour’s not a lot of time when you think about it - but they kept disturbing me as I tucked into my cheese and tomato bap. The frisbee flew over my head several times and nearly knocked my can of lager over at least twice. Once, when Lady Gaga came to pick it up after it hit me on the shoulder, I looked at her as if to say “What the f*ck are you doing?” but the po-faced bitch just scowled at me as if to say “If you don’t like it, move somewhere else” so I stared at her as if to say “I was here first, I’m not going anywhere” but she just turned away as if to say “I don’t want to talk to you” so I shrugged as if to say “Yeah, well I don’t want to talk to you either.”

“After my third can I decided I needed to syphon the python, so I popped behind a nearby tree. As I was leaking the lizard, the frisbee landed right next to my lunchbox and Lady Gaga came over and picked it up. I thought nothing of it at the time and carried on draining the dragon. “Good riddance to bad rubbish” I said to myself when they then picked up their stuff and left. However, when I sat back down after walking the snake, I noticed that my chocolate bar wasn’t in my lunchbox. I always have a cheese and tomato bap, a bag of BBQ Beef Hula Hoops and a Penguin – for the uninitiated, that’s a milk chocolate-covered biscuit bar filled with chocolate cream – for lunch, and I always eat them in the same order: Bap, Hula Hoops and finally Penguin. I also like to have 3 cans of lager with my bap and then a fourth and final can with the snack and chocolate. The Hula Hoops and the last can were still there, so where was my Penguin? It could only have been Lady Gaga who took it because…well, it couldn’t have been anyone else, there was nobody else about. I thought about running after them, but what was the point, she’d only have denied it. Also, I couldn’t remember which direction they’d gone in. It’s unbelievable what she did, as well as being bang out of order. With all the money that she’s earnt from people like me, she could probably afford to buy a zillion Penguins. In fact, that’s what hurts the most. It’s yet another example of the have-it-alls walking all over the have-nots. I hope her next single tanks.”

A spokesman for the Always Remember us this Way singer said: “Lady Gaga emphatically denies these spurious allegations made against her and urges Mr. Watkins to think very carefully before repeating them. If he persists in dragging my client’s good name through the mud, he will very soon find himself in serious trouble. She [Lady Gaga] never backs down – just ask the Catholic Church. He’s picked on the wrong person.”

This isn’t the first time that Watkins has had a brush (up) with a celebrity. In the noughties he hit the headlines when he accused Pete Doherty of stealing his pint in the Hawley Arms. As he said at the time:

“He was in there with that Kate Moss, giving it large, acting like he owned the joint. I think Amy Winehouse might have been with them as well. Anyway, it was just after last orders and I popped to the loo to water my horse. When I got back from taking the cow for a walk around the block my pint of lager was gone. I’d only just bought it! I looked over at Pete’s table just in time to see him raising a full pint of lager to his lips. He clocked me, looked at his pint then looked back at me as if to say “Nice pint” so I frowned at him as if to say “That’s my pint” so he winked at me as if to say “Possession’s 9/10ths of the law mate” so I scowled at him as if to say “Did you not hear me first time, that’s my pint?” so he downed it in one as if to say “Not any more it’s not.”