Heaven is a place on Earth...Milton Keynes!

A man who was involved in a multi-vehicle pile-up that left 4 people dead has claimed that he actually died and went to heaven – and that nirvana is a lot like Milton Keynes! Alan Dickinson’s family were told to prepare for the worst as he lay in a coma after the crash, with doctors describing his injuries - a crushed skull, a broken neck, a punctured lung, an obliterated ribcage, 2 broken arms, a broken leg and a cut lip - as among the worst they’d ever seen.

“I’m lucky to be alive,” admitted Alan, 52, from his hospital bed, “the fact that I was allowed through the pearly gates and spent some time in heaven before being brought back down to Earth is testament to that.”

A close shave indeed, but why the comparison to Milton Keynes, a not-so-new-anymore new town often derided for its blandness, sterility, rigidity, many roundabouts and grid of broad roads?

“Well, I didn’t see any concrete cows, that’s for sure,” laughed Alan, proving that his brush with death hasn’t killed his sense of humour, “although a lot of the buildings were made of concrete: the houses, shops, sports complex, churches, cinema, statues of God, central railway station”

There’s a railway station in heaven?

“Oh yes,” replied Alan, “and an 18-hole pitch and putt golf course with rough, bunkers, a water hazard – you name it. You get a pitching wedge, a putter and half a dozen balls. 6 balls sounds like a lot but you haven't played the course like I have because you've never died; the rough is really thick and, well, a water hazard does exactly what it says on the tin.“

And the railway station?

“There are 2 stations actually. When you arrive, there’s a train waiting for you right inside the Pearly Gates. You all pile on and it takes you into town to get processed. It’s quite a long way into the centre though, so grab a seat if you can. When you get there, they ask you all the usual things: name, date of birth, how you died, sexual orientation; religion obviously. I then had a quick bite to eat before having an early night. Dying takes it out of you, let me tell you. I was put in temporary housing for the night while my case was being looked at. Everything has to go through God so it can take a while. Apparently, He’s micromanagement personified. Or deified. He’s very hands on, put it that way.”

And did Alan get to meet his maker?

“No, I didn’t. I did meet one of Jesus’ disciples though. Judas.”

They let Judas into heaven? But he betrayed God’s only son, setting off a chain of events that resulted in His kangaroo court trial, unlawful conviction, crucifixion and finally death.

And then resurrection. You’d think that he’d be the last person to be allowed into paradise - along with Adolf Hitler.

“Oh, maybe it was John then,” replied Alan, frowning, “Or James. It definitely began with a J. I’m sorry, I’ve just come out of a week-long coma, I’m a little disorientated.”

So, after his near-death experience, what advice would Alan give to people?

“Live life to the full, because you never know what’s around the corner, or in my case what’s around the bend at Junction 32 of the M1.

And the Milton Keynes connection?

“I thought you might ask that. Well, I was only in heaven for a day before being told that it wasn’t my time and that I had to return to the land of the living. Guess what I did on that day?”

Had a game of pitch and putt? Went shopping?

“No, I spent the afternoon at an indoor ski slope that bore a striking resemblance to Xscape…in Milton Keynes!”