Agüeeeerrrr-oh

In an astonishing admission that is likely to send shockwaves through his adopted city, Sergio Agüero has revealed that he was under the impression that he was joining Manchester United when he signed for their arch-rivals Manchester City in 2011. Talking exclusively to lee hagan.com, the Argentinian goal machine confessed that his representative at the time, the Greek super-agent Doshus Spondoolias, had been economical with the truth when he’d sold the proposed transfer to his client over a meal at La Cabaña in Madrid at the end of 2010.

“He began by stating that Manchester had come in with an offer for me just as my grilled Argentine sausage starter was placed on the table in front of me,” revealed the diminutive danger man, “went on to say that los Rojiblancos were willing to sell at the price as I was taking the first sip of my Cordoba-style salmorejo with sliced egg and Iberian ham, and finished things off by revealing that I’d be doubling my wages as I lifted the first tender forkful of the grilled skewer with veal, peppers, onion and bacon to my mouth. By the time the coffees arrived I was sold - literally and figuratively! I won’t go so far as to say that I was done up like a kipper but I’d certainly recommend ordering the grilled queen scallop with olive oil and garlic if there are a group of you - and you don’t mind sharing a starter of course.”

As the penalty-box predator walked home that night, a million questions ran through his mind: who was United’s penalty taker: Wayne Rooney or Dimitar Berbatov, did Ryan Giggs prefer to play the ball into feet or for you to run onto, was Park Ji-sung North or South Korean, did I make a mistake in not ordering the apple crepe flambeé with rum for dessert?

“With all the different things vying for my attention, I didn’t take the time to reflect on the most important consideration - who I’d actually be playing for. I naively assumed that Spondoolias meant Manchester United and not their lesser-known rivals Manchester City, who, I won’t lie, I’d never even heard of.”

The 2015 Premier League Golden Boot winner went on to say that his suspicions were first aroused when the pair arrived at what his agent assured him was Manchester’s training ground, the Etihad Stadium, to sign on the proverbial dotted line. “¿Dónde está Fergie?” he asked immediately, to which his agent replied that the legendary manager had been held up in traffic due to delays caused by the persistent, soul-destroying rain, but would be along later.

“In 2011, my command of English was basic at best - I only knew yes, no, hello, goodbye, fish and chips, Manchester United, Lady Diana and goal -, so I didn’t understand any of what was being said between the man I had placed my complete trust in - Spondoolias - and the club’s representatives. I spent most of the contract formalities staring out of the window hoping to catch a glimpse of Phil Jones. It was only when I was handed a light blue football top with my name on the back and the cameras started popping that I realised I’d made a terrible mistake.”

The full extent of his error dawned on him the following morning when he reported for training; instead of sharing a changing room with the likes of Rio Ferdinand, Paul Scholes and Nemanja Vidić, he discovered that he was squeezed between Joleon Lescott and Gareth Barry, and Mario Balotelli had stolen two of his clothes hangers.

However Agüero was determined not to let the small matter of mistakenly joining an unremarkable, nondescript team that had won nothing of note in over 40 years get in his way, and spurred on by a strong work ethic, the boy from Buenos Aires immediately knuckled down and made the best of the situation.

“I knew C-Dog and Pazza (fellow Argentinians Carlos Tevez and Pablo Zabaleta) from the international set-up, and recognised Dazza (David Silva) from my time in Spain - so not speaking the lingo wasn’t too much of a problem. In fact, if anything, it was the English lads who made me feel most at home, whether it was James Milner rolling out the blue carpet on my first day or the likes of Joe Hart and Michael Johnson happy to call me by my preferred nickname ‘Kun’. I vividly recall Micah Richards remarking to Wazza (Wayne Bridge) after an early training session that "he may be an Argie Kun but he knows where the back of the net is." Balotelli also returned one of my clothes hangers, which was good of him.”

The poacher from the Pampas was swiftly welcomed into the Abu Dhabi United Group group, his eye for goal endearing him to the City faithful and his antipathy towards Real Madrid endearing him to dressing room leader and former Barcelona star Yaya Touré.

“Coming from Atletico, I thought I hated Real Madrid, but Yazza took it to a whole new level! I once saw him punch Vincent Kompany’s lights out after Vinny dared to suggest that Real Madrid, with the likes of Ronaldo, Kaká, Benzema, Higuáin and Di Maria at their attacking disposal, ‘might score a few goals this season’.”

After bagging a brace on his debut, a 4-0 mauling of Premiership new boys Swansea City in the first game of the 2011-12 season, the man dubbed ‘the marauding menace’ ended the season with 30 goals in all competitions, including the 94th-minute winner against Queens Park Rangers that earned City its first league title in 44 years, earned him legend status with the fans, and earned him a small pat on the back from the notoriously hard-to-please Roberto Mancini. He has since gone on to shatter the oil-rich club’s goal-scoring record, become the Premier League’s all-time leading overseas scorer, hold the record for most Premier League hat-tricks (12), and win a record-breaking seven Premier League Player of the Month prizes.

“I just like scoring goals,” he said simply, “penalties, free kicks, corners; good ones, bad ones, ugly ones; a tap in inside the 6-yard box, a pile driver from outside the 18-yard box, a scuff after running 80 yards from my own box; headers and volleys, 3 and in, rush keeper; 11-a-side, 6-a-side, 5-a-side. It’s what motivates me and what I do best, it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I close my eyes at night. Goals, love, and money - the hat trick of things that make the world go round.”

In the wide-ranging interview, Agüero also revealed that his favourite food in England is a saveloy and chips (with plenty of salt and vinegar - and a pickled gherkin!), why he can’t get enough of Only Fools and Horses and how it took him 5 years to realise that Ian Brown wanted to be adored and not a member of the 60’s psychedelic rock group The Doors.

“Who wouldn’t want to be in a band, especially one as influential as The Doors, with the creative freedom that a counterculture musician such as Jim Morrison must have enjoyed? I’d have to eschew the late nights, drinking, drug taking, womanising and leather trousers though, they don’t sit well with link up play, finding a killer pass, covering every blade of grass, and of course, putting the ball in the old onion bag.”

Eschew? Onion bag? Things have certainly come on a bit since the raw 23-year-old touched down at a rain-soaked Manchester airport 9 years ago with an English language lexicon of half a dozen words and a dream of scoring in front of the Stretford End regulars.

“English isn’t that difficult once you get to grips with its grammar structure, its pronunciation, the unusual phrases that are part of everyday speech, the unpredictability of its spelling and its contradictory rules. Like scoring goals, it’s all about application.”

So, after 9 fun-filled, trophy-filled, goal-filled years at the club, can Kun find it in his heart to forgive Spondoolias for his duplicity?

“I forgave Spazza years ago,” said the cheek-turning fox in the box, “although I wouldn’t trust him as far as I can throw him. And when I compare the success that I’ve had at City with the absolute toss that United have become since Fergie left, I know I made the right decision by choosing the blue side of Manchester.”